How I found a German technique to struggle loneliness: The Stammstich : NPR

5 years in the past I used to be in Berlin for a couple of months, and my good friend Michael invited me to a gathering of his beer aficionado associates at a neighborhood bar. It appeared like a typical bar grasp — till one of many guys planted a bit flag on the desk: an insignia for his or her group.

That appeared a bit odd: Why do these friends have a flag? Seems, this was no random meetup for a pint. It was a Stammtisch.

As I realized, Stammtisch (“shtom-tish”) means “regulars’ desk”. It is an age-old German custom the place a bunch of like-minded individuals — historically males — meet up at a bar or a restaurant at a daily time to have drinks and chat.

Michael and his Stammtisch companions clearly loved one another’s firm. And as I realized, it was actually extra than simply sharing drinks: These month-to-month conferences deepened their friendships.

5 years later, I’ve discovered myself considering again to that gathering and appreciating its elegant simplicity: A standing date on the calendar to see a bunch of individuals you take pleasure in.

A view of the Stammtisch flag on the gathering the writer attended in Berlin in 2019.

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Laurel Wamsley/NPR

Lately, I’ve bought a toddler at house and socializing sans child takes extra planning. The straightforward consolation of assembly associates at a bar generally seems like an exercise from my carefree youth, and I am already nostalgic for it.

Again house in D.C., I discovered myself considering just lately of Stammtisch and what a pleasant method it’s to see individuals you want. I discussed this to a German good friend, Amrai, as we walked across the zoo with our children, admiring the goats and alpacas.

Amrai laughed and stated, ” there is a Stammtisch that meets in D.C.? It is Germans largely.” Regretting my scant Deutsch, I made a decision to get myself invited.

So on a current chilly, darkish December night, I parked my bike exterior a brewpub referred to as Proper Correct, and stepped inside. I used to be met by heat conviviality and dialog — and many individuals who know the Stammtisch custom effectively.

The nook desk within the nook bar

Over the din of chatter and pop music, the gathering’s organizer, Andrea Shalal, described the basic Stammtisch: “In each German village there’s the nook bar, and within the nook is a desk. It is reserved for the type of elders or different regulars. And so they sit within the nook and so they drink their beer and smoke their cigarettes and hold forth in town and all of its craziness.”

Historically, many taverns in Germany had a giant, spherical desk reserved for regulars — Stammtisch refers to each the desk and people who meet there. There are a lot of tales of international vacationers unwittingly taking a seat at this desk and being shooed away by the barkeep.

This Stammtisch in D.C. was a contemporary take: There have been ladies, not simply males. As an alternative of that huge desk, individuals milled with their drinks beside a bar. However everybody appeared to agree that the fundamental format of Stammtisch is an efficient one.

“Rising up within the ’80s, ’90s, early 2000s, the concept of Stammtisch in Germany’s youth was type of rejected as ‘That is one thing that our mother and father’ era, our grandparents’ era, would do,’ ” stated Robert Christoffel, 45, who moved to the U.S. greater than a decade in the past.

However he is observed that is beginning to change.

“Loads of my associates, these days, in Germany — perhaps as a result of they’ve gotten a bit older as effectively — they’re now assembly up and type of establishing Stammtisch,” he informed me.

In trendy life, as fewer individuals go to church — which in Germany is likely to be adopted by consuming on the tavern — these gatherings can tackle much more significance.

Werner Hein, who’s 80 years previous, described the Stammtisch this manner: “That is a spot the place you meet in particular person. It is laborious to see a Stammtisch on Zoom.”

An everyday time to fulfill up with associates can deepen connection and take the work out of planning.

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Henrik Sorensen/Getty Pictures

A spot to open up

Males specifically can discover it laborious to be weak with each other, added Hein. However amid the ambiance and repeated conferences of a Stammtisch, one thing begins to occur.

“You open up on issues, in your very private issues,” Hein stated. “These days, I’ve to nearly say it is extra essential than ever to have a sort of Stammtisch.”

Does a Stammtisch should contain alcohol? I requested.

“In the event you contemplate beer alcohol, sure, I feel so,” replied Christoffel, pint glass in hand.

What a couple of espresso Stammtisch?

“That is referred to as a Kaffeekränzchen,” Hein defined. “That is usually extra like the ladies once they meet within the afternoon for a espresso and cake. Additionally one other very conventional German factor.”

To me, that sounds equally good as a stein of beer — perhaps higher.

Seems I am truly conversant in Kaffeekränzchen, although I might by no means heard the time period. For the final couple years, my good friend Jordan has organized a daily gathering she dubbed Espresso Membership. A gaggle of us meet at a neighborhood café on the identical time every week and hang around for an hour over caffeine and baked items.

At Espresso Membership we speak about our jobs, our weekends — and our lives. On one event, a number of members introduced clothes for me to borrow for a marriage and an impromptu catwalk transpired.

Is it a Stammtisch or a Kaffeekränzchen? A morning on the writer’s Espresso Membership is seen right here.

Jordan Schreiber

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Jordan Schreiber

I can not make it each week, however that is OK. The group is giant sufficient that there is not any stress.

Amid the stress of labor and the full-court press of parenthood, this common grasp with the women has been a dependable supply of fine vibes and commiseration. It is one thing to stay up for, not an obligation — similar to the Stammtisch.

I requested Werner Hein if he had any recommendation for somebody who may need to begin a Stammtisch.

It takes a little bit of dedication, he stated — “A dedication to have enjoyable.”

And in return? A heat circle of connection, regardless of how chilly it’s exterior.